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16 March 2008

Live Free Or Die

I'm gonna pause all the commentary on the world for a bit and comment on myself-- namely this almost 1 year bumpy ride called my life.  I could write a damn book with just the shit that's gone on in the last month-- the whole year would read like a set of Encyclopedia     Brittanica! (remember those??)

I am never one to go looking for miracles-- I believe anyone that waits on their own destiny to kick in on the belief that they are "destined" for something, is only destined to wait for a day that will never come.  Yet sometimes it seems as if I have done that myself at times.  I'm no saint, angel, or priest-- I never said I wasn't without the fallacies of being human.  I procrastinate, have been known to tell white lies to get out of doing things that annoy me, and raise hell when I don't feel like being bothered.  I take forever making up my mind when I am faced with a tough decision, and God knows I love looking at cute girls but it takes me too long to work up the nerve to talk to them. 

Which brings me to my point.  Some years ago I was involved with someone who I deem the best girl in my life.  I made a mistake in letting her go, but at the time there was nothing I could do about it.  And although time has marched on, I still regret the day that we split up.  I'm sure she's living her life somewhere oblivious to the time we spent together, long forgotten about me.  That's cool-- I'm not Marty McFly, and I don't wanna go back in time.  I just want to get this off my chest so I can finally move on completely. 

Fact is, I really didn't think I still missed her until I found myself making a Fruedian slip in the mall the other day and thought I saw her there...  Of course she's half a world away from me, but my heart raced, and I still felt the euphoria I would feel from looking in her eyes.  I went home and looked through pictures I hid away in a box in my closet.  3 years of pictures, and a lifetime of memories...  I cried myself to sleep silently in my room.  Cried I guess not just for her, but my granny, my job, my mother, my father, my life.  A flood of emotions came out.   Then I realised the last time I cried, she was there holding me and I cried more.  I don't often admit this, but I am human too it seems.

In the end, I'm not sure what I want anymore.  More than anything else, I want...  I need to be free.  That's all I want is freedom, freedom from the pain of the past, free to be able to face my future without fear and doubt, freedom to love the next girl in my life without trying to make the past influence our relationship, freedom to even go out on a date! 

I wanna be free.

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